Monday, January 24, 2011

The Twin Truth Shall Set You Free

Composed nearly six years ago now, this recounting of twin toddler honesty still brings a smile. Hope you enjoy.

How anxiously I awaited the onset of actual conversation with my twosome...

So many months were spent gazing into their wee eyes...just hoping for---and often, projecting---a returned gaze of love. With the advent of their oral dexterity, surely all the affection so generously lavished upon them would be reciprocally expressed to my eager, and maternally misty, delight.

Alas, as our twins’ language skills developed rapidly and fluently, it became glaringly clear that emotional declarations were not their top priority.

Instead, keen powers of observation and remarkably detailed memories provided them with the motivation for their earliest commentary.

Honesty. Pure. Unadulterated. Unvarnished. Horrifyingly unedited.

Imagine poor Mommy’s dual-injected reality check...courtesy of my beloved twins, verbally unleashed. So begins the re-assessment of my self-image, through their empirically-accurate perspective.....

On my housekeeping skills:

....or perhaps more correctly phrased, my lack thereof. Yes, I have exploited my own children. Having young twins has provided me with the seemingly perfect alibi for my far-from-immaculate household.

When I unearthed the spritzer of Windex to clean our glass-topped coffee table, my son declared, “That’s Grandma’s!”

If possession is truly 9/10ths of the law, she’s certainly had it in her hands more than I. He’s right; it’s hers.

On my musical abilities:

...or perhaps more correctly phrased, my lack thereof. For the first 23 months of our twins’ lives I sang along cheerfully with Raffi, the Sesame Street Gang (Oscar and I are blessed with the same vocal range), They Might Be Giants, Cedarmont Kids... all the Billboard chart-toppers. At 24 months, our daughter began to yell “No!” from the backseat of the car. Assuming the song mid-play was not a favorite, I’d advance to the next track. At 25 months, she was able to elaborate with greater clarity, “No! Mommy can’t sing!” So ended my aspirations of Karaoke stardom on Children’s Song Night.

On my post-twin delivery figure:

Many (okay, most) days, I wait to shower until my twosome is down for their afternoon nap. On the day of this disheartening revelation, my son’s wailing could clearly be heard over the shower flow. Concerned about the possibility of his extremities hopelessly wedged betwixt crib slats; or worse yet, his sister pulling aforementioned body-parts against the crib slats like twigs for the snapping, I sprinted to the nursery.

My soggy-faced son, shocked silent by the visage of his naked, dripping Mom, whispered (with perceptible horror in his voice), “Mommy, please put some clothes on.” Suppose I should be proud. At least he tried to be polite.

On my grammar :

My daughter sat in her high chair forcefully fork-spearing her banana slices as if they needed to be subdued prior to consumption.

Watching the poor slices being mutilated beyond fork-friendly, I suggested, “Honey, you need to do that gentle! Look how mushy the bananas are getting.”

Without so much as a glance in my direction, she responded, “Sarah will do it gently.” Well, at least I don’t refer to myself in the third person.

On my time management & twin juggling skills:

...or perhaps more correctly phrased, my lack thereof. Before my twosome could inform me that I was mistaken, I took substantial pride in single-handledly taking them on daily out-of-the-house adventures.

My daughter, with her shoes on and jacket zipped, was jumping up and down by the front door chanting, “Let’s go! Let’s go!”

In an effort to explain (important note: “explaining” to toddlers is rarely a useful practice) why we couldn’t leave immediately, I reminded her that she had a brother, also needed shoes and a jacket prior to our departure.

In her effort to explain the delay, she declared, “We’ll go in the car as soon as Mommy gets her act together.”

On my personal hygiene:
[Warning: This story is not for the squeamish.]

While in the process of potty training, my husband and I have made a frequent practice of allowing/encouraging our twins to "watch" Mommy and Daddy "go potty."

On this particular day, while pulling down my pants for the Potty Parade, I noticed my period was starting a day early. A small spot of darkish flow was in the crotch of my panties.

My son, ever empathetic, pointed to the brownish area and sympathized, "That's okay, Mommy. You had an accident."

In keeping with my earlier-stated theory on the lunacy of offering explanations to toddlers, I replied simply, "You're right. Thanks for making me feel better." Wish he could do something for cramps.

On my appearance:

As I was changing my daughter's diaper, she was reading P.D. Eastman's classic, The Alphabet Book. Suddenly, she began kissing a page and cooing, "Ooooh, Mommy!"

My mind reeled as I tried to guess which of the illustrations had caused her to think of me so affectionately. Was I the regal "Queen with a Quarter?" Perhaps I was the gleeful, fast-moving "Rabbit on Rollerskates." No such luck. When I asked to see the picture of Mommy, lo and behold, apparently I resemble "Walrus with a Wig."

In an earlier episode, when she informed me that the Veggie Tales' Archie Asparagus "Looks like Mommy", I must confess that out of sheer desperation, I took solace in the fact that he was "bookish and lean."

Now for those of you whose twins have yet to share their "truth", try not to panic. Not all of their observations are so dramatically ego-bruising.

Just last week, as my twosome came down to say "Good Night" to me and my Book Club galpals, my daughter picked up a framed movie still of a young Audrey Hepburn and pronounced with pride, "That looks like Mommy!" As if that didn't have me beaming enough, she subsequently picked up the companionate photo of a young Paul Newman and chirped, "And that looks like Daddy!"

Suffice it to say, I think I have decided which truths I'll believe.

[Nearly 6 years later, I've not moved those pictures; of course I haven't dared ask if they look like Mommy and Daddy to their more-matured view either....]
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Terra said...

what a neat trip back down memory lane and so off the beaten path too! Your kids crack me up and I too would hold onto the thought that I perhaps looked like a movie matter how off base.

Missy said...

So fun! It is so true, we wait anxiously to hear their sweet little voices but are never ready as to what they may say. : )

girlytwins said...

This brought back so many memories for me. I too wanted so badly to hear my girls sweet voices and listen to all they had to say...LOL...nowadays I wish they wold be a wee but more quiet and keep some stuff to themselves ;) JK...kinda

Donna said...

Well, thank you for releasing those stories out of the Verbiage Vault!! As I sit here at my desk (still working, but looking for and found a much needed, "pick me up!"), I laughed out loud and chuckled away (at your expense, I'm afraid) at all of the stories! Your two had some great slingers out there! ;-)

Just this week, as I announced I was gong to make the eggs for dinner, Austin went flying to the patio door and opened it.....wtfrick? Why is that door open? His response, "To let the smoke out, Mommy!" ;-)

Rebecca said...

I love how they can point out all our negatives, but ignore the positives! Love the story about you having "an accident." Poor Mommy!

Robin said... funny

Beth in NC said...

Ha! What a funny post. My husband stood in his underwear looking out of our ocean front hotel room and our daughter said, "Daddy, people don't need to see all that!" lol She will be 6 in a few days.

Kids -- you just never know what they will say! I was told I had "marks" on my arm. Thanks dear for pointing that out!


Susan in the Boonies said...

Visiting you from SITS! I bet your blog is a huge encouragement to moms of multiples!

Jenna said...

While potty training my daughter, she saw my soiled maxi pad and said, "Mom, you pooped your pants." It was awesome.

Happy SITS Day! Loved this post!

Working Mommy said...

HAHAHA!!! I love this post! Especially when your son asked you to put clothes on...I've been there before!