Ma'am I Am

Think you’re about to read the downhearted diatribe of a woman chagrined by her old-school, old-lady designated title? Think again. Atypical perhaps -- but please, call me Ma’am. Yes, Ma’am. Thank you, Ma’am. Excuse me, Ma’am. Could you please pass the nutmeg, Ma’am? Yes, it is a Diet Coke, Ma’am.

Believe “ma’am” antiquated? Too stodgy? Suit yourself.

Before you start composing your rebuttal, convinced somehow I am demeaning the communicator of the courtesy, know this: I dish it out even better -- and certainly more frequently -- than I take it. The recipient needn’t be my elder; in fact, my daughter and son are often addressed as “ma’am” and “sir” when deserved or applicable. The spoken-to need not be my superior; they merely must be someone I respect. Elders and officers merit the ma’am (and sir), even when the respect factor may in fact be somewhat in question.

Coming down from my comportment high-horse for a moment, I will concede that in politeness protocol, Ma’am usage is entirely optional. Manners and “ma’am” can be mutually exclusive.

So what etiquette omissions incur correction in our family? Please and thank you. “Magic” words, no. Mandatory words, yes.

When our twins were teensy tots, and would chirp a precious, “P’ease,” when seeking a bite of cookie in the mall food court, fellow dining parents would frequently come up and ask, “How did you get them to say ‘Please’ so early?” My incredibly easy tip? Don’t give ‘em what they want until they do. Truthfully, parenting doesn’t get much easier than that.

So what of “thank you?" How can you retroactively extract the expression of gratitude after they’ve received the goods? Literally, it’s as easy as taking candy from a baby. If the gift goes unacknowledged, it goes away. When do you know you’re on the right track?

1.) The child asks with a “Please.”
2.) He/She accidentally forgets the “Thank you.”
3.) You (politely) take the item away.
4.) Then you hear, “May I please have the cookie back? [you give it back] Thank you.”

Music to my manner-loving ears.

Not to say our twins aren’t prone to the occasional “yeah,” sporadically forget a “thank you” (or you’re welcome), or are never guilty of un-met eye contact, but largely, they are amongst the most mannerly of munchkins I’ve met.

Courtesy may be a family strong suit; maternal humility, not so much...


...so please do pardon me, Ma’am -- or Sir.