Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Potty Training or Spring Training?

a.k.a. Pitching the Poo

[This is a story from waaaaaaaay back. Enjoy. Then wash your hands.]

Just what is the Webster's Dictionary definition of "potty-trained?"

Does it mean the children know where the output belongs, even if it doesn't always "make it in?"
Does it mean going for a designated period of time without having mystery puddles appear in unexpected places? Are children definitively potty-trained even if they wear diapers for naps and night-time?

With experts galore claiming infallible methods to train a toddler (in our case, toddlers) in a weekend, it sure would be helpful to know just what exactly they are promising. Five months into our potty-training process, Darren and Sarah seemed pretty confident in their placement skills...at least during waking hours.

Forethought being the better part of twin parenting, what could I/should I expect upon de-diapering our twosome during naps?

1.) Laundry, and lots of it.

2.) The loss of a two-hour virtually uninterrupted window of "Mommy time" (which subsequently means an inability to tend to Item #1).

3.) Lots of false "Potty!" alarms (and strategically staggered, one twin at a time)

4.) Late afternoon cranky twins, who, in attempts to stay dry, dodge sleep.

Finally, I could rationalize no more. This week, we said sayonara to naptime nappies.

Yesterday, after granting our 33-month old twins their requested "privacy" on their potties during naptime, I began to hear uproarious laughter, rapid footsteps, and the unmistakable slapping sound of baby bottoms resuming contact with their respective receptacles.

Tiptoeing to the nursery, in vain attempts to foil the shenanigans mid-act, I flung open the door to see two smirking, laughter-suppressing cherubs...perfectly perched on their potties.

For a glorious (albeit brief) moment, everything seemed in place.

As my devilish duo faced each other from their seats, a mere four feet apart, squarely betwixt them sat the incriminating evidence. Before hygienic wisdom could raise its sanitary head, I was holding aloft a ping pong ball-sized (and shaped) poo nugget.

Straight from the "I-never-thought-these-words-would-escape-my-lips" department I asked, "Whose poo is this?" As if they had rehearsed their response to my predictable query, in unison they shouted each other's names. (There's a first for the Baby Books...twin tattling/blame aversion.)

Doing my best to squelch laughter, I scooped up my daughter to see if her booty was the one requiring a "freshen-up". An assorted collection of turdlets was revealed in the pot below.
Circumstantial evidence aside, both twins had damning brown impact marks on their shirts. Should only the instigator bear the brunt of the poopy punishment to follow? You can't play catch alone. Projectile provider or not, both twins were guilty by participation.
Simultaneous strip down. Composure acquired. Time to address the twinfraction. While re-clothing, wiping down sullied surfaces, and Purell-ing hands, I bravely began the "Talk".

Mommy: "We don't throw poo poo in this house." (Of course now I am petrified they'll throw it in other houses.)

Darren (with believable repentance): "We only throw balls."

Mommy: "That's right. It may seem funny, but really it's not. You're right, Darren. We only throw balls."

Sarah: "Poo Poo Balls!" (Followed by fights of exultant twin laughter, and poorly-masked lip twitching by Mommy.)

Mommy: “I thought that (like Daddy) you could be trusted to behave with potty privacy. From now on, Mommy will sit with you until you're done. To help you remember that throwing poo poo is not the right thing to do, we're not going to be able to go in the pool after naps.”

Darren: "...and no stickers!"

Sarah: "...and no videos!"

Mommy: "Okay. That sounds like a good plan."

Sarah: "But we CAN have snacks. We'll wash our hands first."

Mommy: "That sounds like a VERY good plan!"

So, just how long is too long to wait before taking off night-time diapers? And by the way, Webster, nor any of his dictionary-penning pals have declared the indisputable meaning of "potty-trained." If you can find a soul who has bravely offered their official definition on paper, please let me know. I'd like to give my kids credit before they get to kindergarten if possible.
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ChefDruck said...

still not fully out of potty training hell here, I fully enjoyed this post. Especially, "whose poo is this!"

Annie said...

OMG, I like your post. A few months ago we experienced something like (but the problem was that one of the girls brought me the poop ball).

BoufMom9 said...

I just LOVE the poo poo balls! LMAO!
Just great Cheryl!

So glad you are sharing older posts for mamas like me, deep in the potty training trenches.

monica said...

Oh this story is so true right now in our house. It really gave me the insight that I am not alone in my fight to get all "poo poo balls" into the toilet. Oh that conversation happened today in our house! So perfect!!

Sorry I haven't checked in in a few days I was out of town and just getting back into my blog (and my friends blogs)!

Zookeeper said...

Hilarious...poo ball! I am not looking forward to potty training. I'm not sure I'll be able to keep a straight face.

Terra said...

I DO NOT miss diapers or baby toilets or poo balls!

cat said...

Oh I am so not looking forward to the twin potty training experience. Thanks for this.

MereCat said...

Oh how timely for me to be reading this now. We are starting to consider potty training, and now? I'm completely terrified. Thannkyouverymuch.

(Really, though, this was hysterical!)

Gibson Twins said...

We *were* potty trained and now we've managed to get untrained somehow along the way. 3 is slowly approaching and we're not any closer to ditching the bedtime diapers. I'm hoping that peer pressure gets to them at preschool and they'll pottytrain completely. Or something. I never thought I'd let them take drinks/snacks into the bathroom and I found myself saying "so did you want lemonade or red juice and do you want grapes also?" just so they'd sit on the potty for a little longer :)


Missy (Two Little Monkeys) said...

Oh, the potty training days! It was just yesterday we were talking about those days!
And just last night, Emma decided to pull the "I have to go and poop when I really should be in bed" trick on P.J. (he was so unsuspecting!) Ha!

Barbara Manatee said...

I am happy to say we have 1 kiddo fully diaper free and more than a month accident free - even over night! (that would be Sarah). Jacob has his good days and bad days...some naps are safe but I think it will be a while before he'll get through the night. The boy pees a gallon overnight I think!

And yes...the increased laundry! Sarah was actually pretty good - she kind of made up her mind and she was good! Jacob, though, I think has as much laundry of his own as the other 2 put together...including the baby!!

BUT...I can say neither are in diapers any more (He does a pull up at night) - both are in undies...and I'm keeping the washing machine busy! :-)

MommyWizdom said...

I don't think I could have made it out of that room without laughing! That was way too funny! Poo Balls?! O, my Word!!

I considered BG potty trained even though she wore a night diaper. You try sleeping for ten hours plus in a row without having to go... and their bladders are even smaller...

Not that Mommy would ever be allowed to sleep that long anyway!

Good luck! You've got your hands full - but you already know that!


beth - total mom haircut said...

Hehee...poo poo balls. Heh...

Mmmmm. I kind of feel like Beavis now.

This is hysterical.